Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with a condition called cyclothymia, which is “supposedly “a mild form of bipolar disorder. Trust me when I say that there is nothing mild about this condition, the effects of this have completely changed my life, to the point where only my amazing wife can really remember how I was before this mental illness took over my personality and in turn changed the actual definition of my very identity. As a teenager I was confident, could talk to anyone in any situation and look at the world with hope and positivity which is pretty much how I stayed until the first emotional breakdown. I had about eighteen months before my diagnosis. Thinking back, as terrible as that was at the time, I had no idea of just how terrible things would get as, to be honest, I really did think that would be as bad as it would get. But I was so wrong and if anything, a little naïve about the whole situation. I guess most people probably are when they find themselves with a life-altering condition. As the months rolled by things went downhill quickly. I did not know if I was coming or going and my head regularly ached from the constant hurricane of thoughts around my mind, which would not have been so bad if was able to focus on anything. But alas no, I had a million ideas a minute but the focus and attention span of a goldfish. Added to this mixture terrifying panic attacks extreme highs, suicidal lows and mood swings that made me look and feel crazy. After a long wait for a psychiatric evaluation, I was finally given a diagnosis and put on several types of medication over the next few years to find ones that would get me back to the person that I used to be. Yet again I was naïve, the damage was done, and medication only actually seemed to work for a few months before the crazy started to show through again and it was back to the doctors for a new medication review and a major increase, that again would only last a few months or so before we went around the crazy circle again. After a few times several types of medication, I was pretty stable for quite a while but still different from I had been before and quickly realising that I had become a very different person, not just in my personality but in my actual identity. Some of you who read this may say that I still have the same name, so my identity is the same. I would disagree with this because if I met up with people that knew me when I was younger, they would meet a man with the same name a similar face and voice. But the person inside is so different they would be shocked. I do not actually think that ordinary people realise just how exhausting it is being mentally ill; from getting out of bed to the kettle in the morning your mind has run a marathon and is trying to force you back to bed every single morning. It is soul destroying to the point where I feel like I have withdrawn into a shadow of the person I once was, and if that is not a complete change in identity then I do not know what is. The problem lies with me - I really need to get over the fact that I have changed forever and as hard as I try will never identify as the person I was and must accept the new identity of person I have become. This will be difficult but entirely possible as I have the support of my awesome wife and son who have put up with these changes to the man they love and still be there with the same love and support they have always given. I may have changed but love wins all and will hold us together no matter what or who I have become. This is a subject which is obviously close to my heart and should be spoken about openly, as this is the only way we as a culture will end the stigma of mental health. Thanks for taking the time to read this blog my next shall be about advances in medical technology in regard to immortality. on a side note, if anyone who reads this has no support or does not know how to ask for it feel free to drop me a message for a chat because sometimes all you need is a chat and most of the time its ironically easier with a stranger.
